You don't have asthma, your pregnant
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
