i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize