My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
