You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
