Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
You are a booty call, not a friend.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
