I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
