WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
