oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
