If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
i now understand why vodka
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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