I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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