dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
