he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
