dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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