I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
