my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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