there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
