Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize