insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I just found a bag of teeth...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
