listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
