If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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