did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
