It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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