my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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