i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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