Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
