dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
if only i could text you this smell
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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