The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
