woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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