no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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