Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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