Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
