I think I died a long time ago.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
