We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
