There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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