Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
