The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
