I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
The beer is more important than you right now.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
