I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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