hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
