Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
