Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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