Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Naked Twister starts at high noon
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
