Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
