Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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