just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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