I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
