If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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