On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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