May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
