what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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