i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
