So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
