please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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