the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
