at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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