Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize