i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
