I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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