i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize