Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
