Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
