I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Randomize
