I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
