If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
